


All of the Stars (So Alive)

by Anonymous43



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 08:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1851013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous43/pseuds/Anonymous43
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam meets Zayn at a party one night and it changes Liam's life forever, in ways he never expected or necessarily wanted. But he's thankful for feeling so alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All of the Stars (So Alive)

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe the end isn't so happy. Oops.  
> Also, the title is taken from the song "All of the Stars" by Ed Sheeran.

“Let’s say this apple is the arrow and your face is the target,” Harry has a cocky grin on his face as he speaks, his voice deep and resonating over the grass he’s sitting on, “Since you’re laying down and I’m sitting up, the angle of trajectory towards you face is--”

“Oh, shut your mouth, Harold!” Liam is laughing and his voice goes up in pitch at the end of his exclamation, his head tilted back in the grass, “Your methods of teaching me just make me laugh. I’m not learning anything, I just feel threatened by that apple,”

Harry grins as he stands and then wipes off his pants, “I’m trying to help you pass, and I don’t think failing a class is very funny. Maybe you shouldn’t laugh,”

Liam stands too and steals the apple from Harry, taking a bite of the fruit and starting to walk up the grassy hill where they stand. It’s the middle of the University and the heart of life on campus: The Green Space. It’s decorated with trees and bushes, not to mention cute little walk ways lined with street lights and small benches. Harry and Liam end up here a lot. Harry has a roommate who has his girlfriend over all hours of the day [and night] and Liam’s roommate is disgusting. He threw up after drinking last week and still hasn’t cleaned the stain. So Harry and Liam lean on each other and come to The Green Space out of necessity. 

“Okay,” Harry changes the subject as they take off up the hill and towards the library, “So, there’s a party tonight at the apartments on the east side of campus. Louis Tomlinson’s big fling of the first semester. You in?”

Liam immediately feels unsure. He already knows he is going to fail half of his semester classes by the way his grades look now, and he can’t be wasting any time. Running around at Louis Tomlinson’s big party and getting drunk, although it sounds like fun, is not something Liam needs in his life right now. He looks towards Harry and is about to decline, when he meets Harry’s large green eyes and pouty lips. “Harry, you can’t expect me to always go out drinking with you. Sure, the party is probably going to be the best one thrown in years and everyone will make fun of me and tease me for missing it, but my parents are going to freak out if I fail any of my classes and at this point in time I think I’ll be failing at least two,”

“But Liam!” Harry is in full pouty mode and Liam rolls his eyes, “You can’t make me go alone! I need you! You’re like my second half! My right hand man! Without you I look like an idiot going alone, and I have to make a good impression. These guys are seniors, Liam. And I’m just a silly little sophomore. I can’t go alone.” And it was true, they would have eaten Harry’s cute little curls right up. He would have been swallowed whole and spit out of the party a changed man. 

“Harry,” Liam groans.

“Liam,” Harry mocks.

They pass the library and start heading back to Liam’s dorm room, even though it probably smells like piss, vomit, and urine. When they get up to Liam’s room it’s starting to get dark. Before Liam even knocks on the door he hears his roommate inside, listening to some really loud music. He opens the door and immediately notices how trashed the room is. His things are thrown all over and his roommate, Lance, is sitting in his computer chair only in his boxers, munching away at potato chips and watching a video.

“What the hell Lance!” Liam yells, running inside.

Lance turns around in his chair and smiles, “Oh, hey buddy,”

Liam can hear Harry laughing in the background but all Liam can do is feel the anger in his gut as he stares at his things thrown all over the floor, “Don’t hey buddy me! I mean, what the fuck man! Why are my things thrown all over the room?”

Lance grins, “Oh yeah, sorry about that dude. I was hungry and I knew you had chips somewhere,”

Liam can’t believe what he’s hearing and he feels like he wants to punch Lance in the face. He threw Liam’s things all over looking for fucking potato chips? “I’m seriously going to kill you, Lance. What the actual fuck! Why can’t you be a normal roommate?” Liam grabs his head and runs his hands through his hair. 

“No one’s perfect, Payne,” Lance has this look on his face that is so smug Liam wants to slap it right off. But instead, he turns around and grabs Harry’s arm as they walk out.

“We are going to that party,” Liam is still fuming, “And we are going to get so wasted we end up in different beds tomorrow morning,”

“Alright!” Harry cheers, “Now this is the Liam I was looking for,”

 

~*~

 

When Harry and Liam walk into Louis Tomlinson’s party that night they are impressed, to say the least. They’ve been to their fair share of parties in their almost one and a half years of University, but this one takes the cake. Louis has overdone it. There are beer stations in every room, including the bathroom. It’s packed with so many people that moving is the most difficult thing about it. The music is blaring. The people are drunk. There are people hooking up in the bedrooms and even on some of the couches as strange and awkward as it is. Liam doesn’t know where to go, or what air to breathe, because the air is so full of different kinds of smoke that he feels positive that he’s getting high already. Maybe he doesn’t want to get so drunk. Maybe he doesn’t really want to end up in a different bed tomorrow morning. 

“Now this is what I’m talking about!” Harry hollers. Liam can barely hear Harry over the music and screaming people. They get pushed around a lot and finally end up in the kitchen where there is a massive game of beer pong going on. One side of the table is taken by the owner of the party, Louis Tomlinson himself. Complete with blue eyes and beautiful feathery hair. The other side of the table is taken by a blonde bloke, whose hair looks dyed and whose shirt reads Believe in Irish Charm. “That’s it,” Harry laughs, “The best decision I’ve made in my entire life is coming to this party. No joke,”

Liam shakes his head and chuckles a bit. The game seems to be rather intense and plenty of people are crowded around the table, watching the blonde bloke down beer and beer. It’s animalistic, this whole thing. These aren’t even people anymore. They are something else completely. Transformed by the music and the alcohol and the heat of the house.

Liam leaves Harry to gawk at Louis’ beer pong skill while he walks through the house some more. There are steps in the back of the kitchen that lead upstairs. Liam takes them, up, up, up, until he finds himself in a thin wooden hallway. There are a few rooms stemming off to the sides and he partially questions if he is allowed up here. But it’s so much quieter here and he can’t bring himself to go back down the steps. So he keeps walking until he comes to a wooden door. His fingers gently push it open.

Across the small empty room with the old wooden floors there is a single arm chair. In the arm chair there is a man with a shadowy face, a cigarette in between his two fingers, and styled raven black hair. He’s rather tan, covered in tattoos, and Liam notices that the man is not wearing a shirt, only black boxers. 

“One time I walked into my mother’s room without knocking,” The man says, “And she was having sex. I learned a valuable lesson that day,” He swings his legs up and over the right arm of the chair so he can remain draped over the old fabric while now looking at Liam.

“I’m sorry,” Liam says, “I shouldn’t have come up here. It’s stupid of me,”

“You don’t have to go,” The man says, “I was just thinking it would have been nice of you to give me a knock. Just a little warning,”

Liam nods and finds himself standing awkwardly.

“My name’s Zayn, I’m a senior,” He says as he lets smoke out of his mouth, “Louis is my roommate. We share this place,”

“I’m Liam. And uh, it’s weird,” Liam steps further into the room, “I mean, I thought it was an apartment but it’s like this weird connection of rooms and stuff. It’s a weird house,”

“We call it The Condo,”

“Ah,”

“I’m assuming you are here for the party?” Zayn stands now, getting up out of his chair and stretching his arms way above his head. Liam thinks he is far too skinny and his ribs stick out like crazy.

“Yeah I am, I just…down there it’s…it’s just very overwhelming I guess,” Liam feels so stupid. 

“Oh okay, well, you don’t have to blush about it, mate,” Zayn tilts his head back and laughs a bit. Liam feels even more embarrassed because he didn’t even realize he was blushing in the first place. Zayn keeps talking, “I understand though, really. I’ve been to so many of these parties the idea of being down there makes me want to puke. Louis though, he doesn’t get tired of these. And neither does Niall,”

“Niall?”

“Uh…” Zayn tries to figure out how to describe him, “Really cheery? Irish? Fake blonde, real personality?”

“Oh,” Liam smiles, “He’s playing beer pong,”

“Is he?”

“Yeah,”

“And he’s losing, right?”

Liam smiles some more, “Yeah,”

“Figures, he plays just so he can get dead drunk and have people enjoy his stupidity. Stupid little Irish,” Zayn pauses, “Anyway, do you have a moment to talk?”

Liam feels surprised and he knows he can’t decline. He knows that he can’t turn down the offer from this guy. He’s clearly very chill and rather kind once you get past his outer shell. Plus he’s a senior and he’s hot. “Okay,” Liam walks over towards Zayn.

Zayn shakes his head, “No, not here. We can go to my room,”

“Okay,”

Liam isn’t sure what he’s doing, but Zayn pulls him out of the single chair room and down the hall. They walk passed all the doors and back down the steps. Zayn mumbles, “Shoot me,”

They have to maneuver through the party and it’s gotten even crazier since Liam was down here. He thinks it’s probably because everyone is having more and more to drink and if they weren’t drunk before they sure are now. The music is so loud it hurts Liam’s ears and he has to force himself to keep pace with Zayn. 

Finally Zayn pushes into one of the rooms off the back hall of The Condo. The music is muffled in here and it smells like incense. Zayn closes the door and the sound muffles further. But then there is another noise. It’s coming from the bed.

“Oh you little fuckers,” Zayn curses and runs towards his bed, ripping the gray covers off and revealing a naked couple in the midst of something dirty, “Get the fuck out of my bed. You’ll be getting the bill to replace my sheets too,” 

The couple bolts.

Liam has to chuckle, “I thought you said you learned your lesson. Knock before you go into a room,”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “Shut your mouth before I second think what I’m doing,”

“What?” Liam asks.

Zayn is still in just his boxers and after walking through all those people with such confidence it’s clear that he likes showing off his ink. I mean, who wouldn’t? But Liam thinks this is all a bit overwhelming. A basically naked guy is suddenly taking interest in him and leading him into his bedroom. 

“My girlfriend just broke up with me,” Zayn says. His eyes are emotionless but the crack in his voice tells otherwise. Liam is about to give his sympathy when Zayn holds up a hand, “I don’t need your pity. You see, I’m pretty sure I’d prefer to have a boyfriend anyway. And since you’re gay--”

“Whoa,” Liam says, “I’m not sure why you think that, I mean…” 

“Can it,” Zayn rolls his eyes, “I’m not stupid. I saw the way you looked me up and down when we were upstairs. And that’s okay, because that’s what I need for you. We are going to have sex. And then maybe we can be friends or something,” 

“What?” Liam feels so wrong about all of this, “I think you have that in the wrong order,”

“What do you mean?”

“You become friends first. Then you date, become boyfriends. Then comes the sex, Zayn,”

“Don’t act like my mother,” Zayn shakes his head, “I don’t need that right now,”

“You need to grow up,”

“What? Are you kidding me? Fuck, I totally misread you,” Zayn seems truly worried, “You weren’t looking for sex?”

Liam doesn’t understand what is happening anymore and his eyes widen, “No! Did I have a sign on my back or something?”

It’s all a little too awkward and Liam walks out of the room without a goodbye. He leaves the party too, without even saying anything to Harry. After all, anything Liam tells the poor lad he won’t remember. Liam can see Harry as he leaves and he’s so drunk he’s grinding into a random girls ass. It’s rather disgusting. 

When Liam finally returns to his dorm Lance is asleep on the fucking floor with his ear buds in, surrounded by food crumbs.

“Filthy,” Liam plans to talk to The Office of Housing tomorrow. He’s done with all of this shit. He’s ready to focus on his studies without a roommate who does nothing but eat, fart, and sleep. He’s ready to forget about that damn Zayn too, with his damn tattoos and his damn black boxers.

 

~*~

 

“I’m here to apply for a new roommate,” Liam is standing in the Office of Housing and staring at an old lady who looks only half interested in what is happening. There’s a tray of food sitting in front of her and she seems to only really care about that. Liam’s words may as well be going in one ear and out the other.

“It’s not even halfway into the year,” She smiles, “Honey, give it some time,”

Liam is still rather angry about everything, “No, no I will not give this some time! My roommate vomits and leaves messes and digs through my things and steals things and doesn’t even talk to me about whether or not I’m okay with him sleeping on the floor in a bed of cheese wiz and vomit,”

The lady looks repulsed, pushes her tray of food away from her, and sighs, “Fill out this form,” Liam takes it, “And then turn it in. It will be processed and hopefully fulfilled within a few weeks.”

“I need it to be done sooner,” Liam begs, “Please, it’s hurting my studies,”

Those were the key words. As soon as homework and classes come into the picture everyone at University freezes and hops to it. Likewise, the lady whisks Liam to another person who seems to have more authority and promises change within the week. 

Liam leaves the office with a smile.

As he is leaving though, heading down the steps, he knocks shoulders with a familiar face.

“Niall,” Liam says. And then he realizes that he doesn’t actually know the kid. He only knows him through other people. 

“Uh hi mate,” Niall smiles, “I’m sorry but I can’t remember your name,”

“Oh you don’t…I’m just…Liam,”

“Well, I’m Just Liam, it’s good to see you. Did you beg for a new roommate in there?”

“Yeah, I did,” Liam smiles. Niall is a cool guy. He’s just a people person. He didn’t even flinch when Liam knew his name. It was just taken with a smile.

“Well, best of luck. I’m requesting one too,”

“Why?” Liam doesn’t mean to pry, he’s just curious.

Niall shrugs, “He’s an ass,” They laugh a bit and then Niall continues, “By the way, Liam, Zayn asked me about you,”

Liam freezes, “What?”

“Yeah, he really feels like he did something wrong and wants to make up for it. I dunno what he did but if he feels this bad, he must have done something pretty shitty and I have a feeling you don’t want to hear it at all. But here’s his number, just in case. Think about giving him a call,”

“Okay,” Liam swallows.

And then Niall is hugging Liam and heading up the steps.

 

~*~

 

The number sits in Liam’s phone for days and then weeks and he fights with himself while Harry yells into his ear from behind. 

“Really, Liam, people who walk around parties and wonder into rooms and do the shit you were doing are normally looking for sex. I don’t blame the dude. Plus you’re fit as hell and if he wants the full gay experience I guess you’d be a good person to go to. Right?” Liam says nothing and Harry just keeps on talking, “So what? He wanted sex. It was a crazy party and getting laid by a senior would have been a great tidbit to carry around with you. I mean, imagine telling people about that. Shit, you’d be awesome,”

“You’re not helping, Harold,”

Harry sighs, “I can never do anything right by you. I just think you should call him,”

“And say what?” Liam asks, “Oh, I’m sorry about freaking out because you wanted to fuck. Pardon me. Let’s just start over again. Here, slap my ass,”  
Harry bursts out in laughter, “Yes, please, say exactly that,”

The two of them are in Liam’s dorm, which is currently only Liam’s. Lance was forced to move out yesterday and was assigned to a new room. Liam’s dorm is now the go to place to spend time for Harry and Liam, mainly because it’s air conditioned and has plenty of space due to the loss of Lance and the mess that followed him naturally. 

“I just feel like his number in my phone is taunting me. I think I’m going to just get rid of it. For good,” Liam pulls up Zayn’s contact and stares at it. 

“No way!” Harry snatches Liam’s phone and climbs up into Liam’s bed, which is bunked.

“No! Harry! Don’t you dare!” Liam tries to climb up too but each time he gets to the top Harry threatens to kick him. “Don’t you dare!”

Harry laughs and presses the call button.

“Hello? Hey Zayn! This is Harry Styles. I’m friends with someone you may know, Liam Payne? Yeah, he was too afraid to call you but he asked me to, he wants to meet up with you,”

“Harry!” Liam screams.

“Uh huh, yeah? Okay, great Zayn, thanks! He’ll be there. The library’s café tomorrow at eleven.” Harry hangs up the phone and can’t stop laughing. Liam just wants to punch him in the face. 

“You know you’re a pain in the ass, right Harry?” Liam asks.

“I love you too, Liam,” Harry giggles and hops off the bunk, giving his best friend a big hug. 

That night Liam falls asleep thinking about people, and how the world revolves around these totally confusing beings. He thinks about how people make so many mistakes but are still beautiful. Maybe Zayn’s like that too. Maybe the party was just a mistake. Liam prays to the Gods that Zayn’s one of those people. He prays that maybe he’s a kind and gentle soul. Because he can’t stop thinking about Zayn and his smile and the way the first thing he ever said to Liam was an anecdote about his mother having sex. Zayn just brings a smile to Liam’s face. And so many questions to his mind.

Liam decides that this is a good thing, and falls asleep with a grin.

 

~*~

 

The next day at eleven on the dot, Liam is standing, like a fool, on the side of the café in the University library. The air smells like coffee and sandwiches and Liam’s stomach growls in anticipation. He can’t believe he is actually here, waiting to meet Zayn Malik, a senior, a friend of Louis Tomlinson, the guy who, only a few weeks ago, tried to sleep with him at a party simply because he was gay. 

A few minutes after eleven, Zayn strolls into the café. He’s wearing black skinny jeans and a red long sleeve shirt that hugs his body but doesn’t quite cover his tattoos. There is also a black scarf wrapped around his neck that probably makes him look more fashionable than he really is. Liam feels a little silly in his Uni tee shirt and jeans, because Zayn looks really good. But then he decides to not pay attention to that because he’s not here to impress Zayn. He’s here because Harry is an idiot who stole his phone. 

“Liam!” Zayn smiles as he walks over, “Hi, mate,”

“Hi,” Liam feels awkward about all of this. He’s only talked to Zayn once and he was only wearing boxers. 

“Do you want to grab a table and I’ll get us something to eat?” Zayn offers with a beautiful and gentle smile. Liam feels so caught off guard because this is totally not the Zayn he talked with at the party.

“Uh, yeah okay,”

Liam walks over to the corner of the café. There’s a small table that is beside a large window and he sits and twiddles his fingers. This feels strange. He’s not sure he likes it. Zayn is still in line for the food. Liam thinks about bailing. About getting out of here before the apologies and the awkward situations. But for some reason, he stays put. 

After a few minutes Zayn is walking over towards Liam with two teas and a bag, which Liam hopes if filled with food because he’s still starving. 

“I got you a sweet tea and a sandwich of the day, I think it’s a BLT,” Zayn smiles, “I hope that’s alright,”

“Yeah,” Liam smiles and nods, “Yeah that’s great,” They unwrap their sandwiches and dig in.

“So, before we say anything else,” Zayn says after his first bite of food, “I need to apologize.

There it is, Liam thinks, this is all just a joke. At least I get a free sandwich out of it.

“I didn’t mean to harass you that night or freak you out. I genuinely think you’re a good looking guy, and I had just broken up with my girlfriend and I was high as fuck,”  
The explanation is at least reasonable, and Liam finds himself nodding, “It’s alright. Really, I was too sensitive,”

“No, no you weren’t. I shouldn’t have come onto you like that. It was rude,”

There is a moment of silence and then Liam asks, “Did that couple repay you for your bed sheets they fucked in?”

“No,” Zayn laughs, “No they did not. Which is just wrong and nasty,”

The two of them laugh a little more and then Liam looks around the café. It’s rather busy for a weekday, but it’s still nice. The aroma. The food. It’s a great place for a first date. Liam thinks a little too hard on that fact. This isn’t a first date, right?

“So, what’s your major, Liam?” Zayn asks as he finishes his sandwich and crumples up the wrapper.

“I’m majoring in electrical engineering,” Liam says, “But I’m not doing so hot in my classes at the moment. But, conditions are improving and looking to make a full recovery,”

Zayn laughs, “I’m majoring in English,”

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh,” Zayn takes a drink of his tea, “Actually, I’m taking a poetry class and I know this is cheesy but there is a slam this Friday night and I was wondering if you’d want to come and hear some stuff,”

Liam smiles a bit because the first date isn’t even over and Zayn’s planning a second. But for some reason Liam says, “Sure. I’ll be there,”

 

~*~

 

The problem with Harry is that he never shuts up. That’s what Liam thinks. Later that night they are both studying in Liam’s dorm and Harry won’t shut up about the date and how it was and did you kiss him? But Liam tries to ignore it because he finally understands his classes and he has to get good grades. He isn’t going to get a second chance.

“Okay fine, just answer this. Do you like him? Does he have potential? On the Liam scale of sexiness, where does Zayn Malik fall?” Harry is playing with a Rubix cube and laying on the ground. 

Liam laughs, “Yes, he has potential. He’s probably a nine.”

Harry smiles, “Good but you didn’t answer the first question. Do you like him?”

“I don’t know Harold,” Liam starts packing up his books, “I decide to withhold my judgment until the next date. What if he has terrible poetry? Then he’s totally not a keeper.”

This only makes both of them laugh more and Harry leaves because he has a date with someone and he won’t tell Liam who. So Liam just sits and watches a show on Netflix and thinks about Zayn.

 

~*~

 

The night of the poetry jam Liam finds himself standing in the pouring rain. Apparently, the poetry session was supposed to be held outside and is now cancelled due to a storm that is going to make this rain a lot worse in about five minutes. But Liam is waiting for Zayn to pack up his things. 

“I’m so sorry, Liam,” Zayn fumbles with his stuff, “This is totally not the way for us to spend our second date,”

Liam shrugs, “I don’t mind the rain,”

“Did you know,” Zayn grins, “That ever since I was little I have had this fantasy of kissing someone in the rain,”

“I’m not kissing you, Malik,” Liam laughs, “Not yet, at least,”

“I know, but it was worth a shot,”

They end up heading back to The Condo. Zayn offers Liam dry clothes and a warm drink. Liam accepts, and they end up wearing oversized sweatpants and hoodies while drinking coffee in Zayn’s bed. They are playing a little question game, going back and forth. It’s all warm and cute and fuzzy, that’s what Liam thinks at least. 

“Coffee or tea?” Zayn asks.

“Tea,” Liam responds, “But this coffee may just convert me. It’s pretty damn good. What about you?”

“I like coffee, but tea is a close second. They are both good. Hmm… do you want kids?”

Liam shrugs, “Yeah, I think I’d like kids one day. I mean, why not?”

“Me too,” Zayn smiles, “Favorite ice cream flavor?”

“I was going to be a smart ass and say dick flavor but that’s too gay of a comment for me so I’ll go with chocolate,”

Zayn laughs and leans his head on Liam’s shoulder, “I like you Liam,”

Liam grins, “I like you too Zayn,”

They spend the night that way, and Liam doesn’t even realize that it’s one in the morning until he looks at the clock on Zayn’s bedside table. He’s about to say something to Zayn when he realizes that Zayn’s asleep. Liam smiles at the tan bloke and moves so he can slide him into bed and under the covers.

“Goodnight, beautiful,” 

Liam leaves the room and grabs his wet clothes and is about to leave when none other than Louis Tomlinson hops right in front of him, “So you’re the Liam I’ve been hearing so much about,”

Liam blushes a bit, “Hi,”

“If you just fucked my best friend I need to know at least a few things about you,”

“I didn’t fuck him,” Liam says quickly, “We were just talking and he fell asleep so I tucked him in.”

“You must not be too interesting if he fell asleep while talking to you,” Louis smirks.

This is exactly how Liam expected Louis to be. A smart ass. A wise guy. Someone who seems very grand and large. Someone who has everyone wrapped around his finger. Liam says, “I suppose I’m not,” He’s not letting Louis get under his skin, “Look it’s late and I should head home,”

“It’s storming like crazy out there,” Louis says, “I wouldn’t leave. Why don’t you go back and lay with Zayn tonight?” Liam wants to roll his eyes but the offer is nice. “Even my date of the night is staying over,” 

As if on cue a shadowy figure walks out of the bathroom and towards Louis and then, “Harry?” Liam is in awe and shock.

“Oh,” Harry is blushing like mad, “I thought you were going to a poetry slam thing,”

“I did but it was rained out,” Liam says, still a little frozen. 

It feels a little awkward all in all and Louis grins, “So you two know each other?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Harry grabs Louis’ hands and they are gone before Liam can say anything more. So he stands there, still a little shocked and a little betrayed, because how could Harry not tell him about this?

For some reason Liam goes back into Zayn’s room and strips into just his boxers. Then he crawls into bed and cries a bit wondering when Harry stopped being his best friend. 

 

~*~

 

Liam wakes up the next morning and finds himself staring right into Zayn’s beautiful golden eyes. He’s a little caught off guard until he remembers what’s happening. He feels his arms pressing against Zayn’s warm and smooth torso, and he grins a little because it does feel nice. They are far enough away for comfort, but close enough for this to actually mean something.

“You stayed,” Zayn seems genuinely happy and he can’t stop smiling as he looks into Liam’s big brown eyes. Liam nods and pushes his head further into the extremely comfortable pillows. He’s too warm and comfy to move. “How did you sleep?”

“Good,” Liam smiles sleepily, “Your bed is very comfortable. I get why that couple was having sex in here. It’s very soft,”

Zayn laughs and rolls his eyes, turning onto his back and putting his right hand on his chest, “Yeah yeah,”

“Thank God it’s Saturday,” Liam sighs, “I don’t think I’ll move all day as long as you don’t mind,”

“I don’t mind at all,”

So they lay all day and Liam tries to ignore the fact that Harry is probably still with Louis. It’s not the relationship Liam doesn’t like, it’s the fact that Harry wouldn’t tell him. It hurt.

“You okay, Liam?”

“Yeah,” Liam mumbles, rolling over towards Zayn and wrapping his arm around Zayn’s boney shoulder, “I feel like there is a river inside of me and it’s rushing, and I feel like my body thinks I need to move in fast forward even though I don’t, because I have you, and I have this bed and I have this life,” Liam is surely thinking too grand for so early in the morning, “I just don’t get people,”

“What do people have to do with your anxiety?” Zayn asks calmly.

“Everything,” Liam says, “And nothing,”

“You sound like some kind of philosopher,”

“Maybe I am,”

Zayn laughs, “Liam, Jesus, you make me feel like the world is happy and looking up,”

“Isn’t it?”

“Perhaps,” Zayn says, “But in different ways for different people. Maybe that’s why you don’t understand them. Some of them are living through different ups and downs. They are moving into the future in a different way then you. Maybe they are embracing different things and aspiring for different things. Liam, people are hard to understand because they are all so unique. And that’s beautiful, not something to have anxiety over,”

His words actually make Liam feel better. Maybe Harry didn’t want to freak Liam out or make Liam cause a scene. Liam is put at ease. “You’re a genius,” Liam smiles as he lays his head on Zayn’s chest, “If only I were as smart as you, Malik,”

“Everyone wishes that, trust me,”

They lay together for a little longer and then Liam says, “Can I ask about your girlfriend?”

Zayn sighs, “What do you want to know about her? She was just…not kind. She wasn’t someone like you. She didn’t light up the world, she put it out,”

‘ “Okay,” Liam says, “Why did she break up with you?”

“It’s complicated,” Zayn says.

“Alright. We can stop talking about her now. Let’s talk about us instead. We are probably cuter anyway,”

They both laugh and Zayn says through a smile, “Yes Liam, we are so so much cuter,”

 

~*~

 

Later that night Liam is sitting and studying in his room when there is knock on his door. He hops up and opens it, only a tiny bit surprised that it’s Harry. Eventually they were going to have to talk about this. Harry is wearing an old cut up shirt and skinnies and there is a pizza in his hand. It smells great. Liam smiles at him and gestures for him to come inside, which Harry does with a returned smile. They sit around Liam’s small coffee table with their legs crossed and their eyes apart. Finally Liam says, “Louis seems like a funny bloke,”

“Don’t flatter me,” Harry says blankly.

“No, I’m serious, like… he’s a good one, yeah?”

Harry just shakes his head, “Can we please not talk about this until we are done eating?”

Liam is a bit worried by the way Harry’s eyes look teary, but he nods and grabs another piece of double cheese pizza. It’s both of their favorite kind, and Harry must have really been hungry because it’s an extra large. Liam’s secretly hoping for leftovers so he can have some for lunch tomorrow. When they finish there are three pieces left and Liam lays back onto the carpeted ground and sighs. There’s nothing better than a full belly of double cheese pizza.

“So, how was your night last night?” Liam asks, trying to ease back into the conversation. But before Harry can even answer he’s in tears, sobbing. “Oh, fuck, Harry please don’t cry. What’s wrong?”

Harry just shakes his head and cries harder.

“Did Louis do something?” Liam is dead serious. Louis seemed funny, but he was obviously an asshole at times.

“No, no…he just…he just likes having sex with me. That’s it. And I’m this desperate straight boy with a desperate gay crush on him and I think I love him and he wants nothing to do with me other than sex, sex, and more sex. And I just don’t know what I’m doing,” Harry mumbles out. His nose is running and his tears are dripping off his chin. 

“Is that why you didn’t tell me?” Liam asks, “Because Louis doesn’t want anyone to know?”

“I don’t know, Liam,” Harry sobs, “I just don’t want people to know that I’m some kind of whore that’s chasing after the most well known person on campus,”

“Harry, don’t think that of yourself. You like him, okay? To you this isn’t nothing and that’s okay and I’m sorry people suck and I’m just…I’m so sorry,”

The sit there, next to the three left over pieces of double cheese pizza and they hold each other and Harry just lets the tears hit him over and over again. 

“It just sucks,” Liam says, “There are so many gay guys on campus and the first person you ever fall for who isn’t a girl is a dude who is an asshole.”

Harry lets out a particularly loud sob in agreement and tries to get himself under control by wiping his face and taking deep breathes. 

“You know what,” Liam says, mostly to himself, “Zayn was wrong. People are confusing and mean and interesting and terrible,”

“What?” Harry is confused.

“Nothing,” Liam says, “Sometimes unique isn’t beautiful, that’s all I’m saying,”

“Maybe you just aren’t seeing the good in people,”

“Are you telling me that Louis has a good side?”

Harry hesitates and hiccups, “Of course he does,”

Liam just doesn’t understand anything about the world anymore. Zayn’s twisting things up in his mind. Before meeting Zayn things were simple for Liam. Hate Lance, hang out with Harry, fail a few classes, struggle through life. But all of the sudden life is on the rise and people are being more confusing than ever. Maybe it’s not a change in Liam’s life.

Maybe it’s just a change in how he’s viewing the world.

 

~*~

 

In the next week Liam only gets to see Zayn once, mainly because he’s been so worried with Harry, his best friend who can’t seem to stop seeing a guy who is tearing his life apart. They go to the library café and have sandwiches again though. It’s a nice little date but Zayn says he wants to do something bigger, more grand. So he plans a date for Friday night again and promises that it won’t get rained out this time. Liam accepts, of course.

When Friday actually roles around Liam decides that he’ll dress up for this date, complete with a borrowed bowtie from Harry and the old black vest he wore in high school. He doesn’t have dress shoes so he wears converse, but he thinks it looks better this way anyway. Zayn picks him up a little before eight and knocks on his dorm room door a few times with his knuckles.

“Hi,” Liam smiles.

“Oh wow,” Zayn is grinning, “You’re stunning,”

“Don’t even try, Malik,” Liam smiles, “Where are we heading?”

“I thought we could take the bus off of campus. There’s a place I want to show you,”

“Okay,”

So the two of them walk out of the dorm and down the cute little Uni sidewalks towards the nearest bus stop. They wait only seconds before their bus pulls up and Liam smirks, “You have this planned out to the second, don’t you?”

Zayn grins, “Yeah, so what if I do?”

“I admire you,” Liam says honestly, “You’re so perfect,”

“I try,”

They hop on the bus and sit in the back where the seats can survey the entire population of the vehicle.

“Okay,” Zayn smiles, “Woman in the front with the orange bag. I bet she has a husband at home but is just getting back from an affair with her boss. I also bet that her boss is a girl,”

Liam chuckles, “Okay, and I bet that her husband knows about it but is afraid to say anything, because she might leave him and he’s a little too scared of facing the world alone,”

“Fuck, we are depressing and stupid,” Zayn shakes his head, “Let’s try again. That old lady with the walker,”

“Her names Mary Agnes,” Liam smirks, “And she has kids, and grandchildren, and even great grandchildren who get all together every year to celebrate her birthday and they all bring her favorite food, carrot cake,”

Zayn smiles so wide, “That’s so much better,”

“Yeah,”

“God, I like you Liam,”

“I like you too,”

Zayn reaches for Liam’s hand and Liam lets him. Because he hasn’t been this happy in a long time. He feels alive with Zayn. For a moment he forgets about poor Harry. He forgets about his debt from school. He forgets about the fact that he’s still failing one of his classes. And he focuses on Zayn and the way his hand feels and the way his stories about the bus’ passengers weaves happy lives that are worth living and so, so beautiful.

They end up at a park, where a movie is being shown on the side of a building and people buy food from a small concession stand and laugh on these cute little picnic blankets. And this is so much more romantic than Liam had imagined. He thinks about how much he misread Zayn the night of the party, and how thankful he is for his Harry, who gave Zayn this second chance.

“Is this okay?” Zayn asks as they settle onto a blanket with popcorn and pepsi.

“This is more than okay,” Liam grins. He leans over and for the first time, he kisses Zayn. Zayn is caught off guard, but elated, and he can’t stop smiling into the kiss and laughing.

“I’m so alive,” Zayn looks like he’s going to cry when he speaks.

And Liam is just so happy he can make Zayn feel that way, “And I’m so glad,”

 

~*~

 

It’s starting to get really cold as winter progresses and Liam likes the way the cold punctuates Zayn’s sharp features and makes him look like a piece of artwork. He doesn’t get tired of looking at Zayn ever, and maybe that’s why they are able to spend so much time together. But Zayn’s been skipping out on Liam lately, and today as they are seated in Liam’s bed in his dorm Zayn says, “Hey babe, I’ve have to go,”

“Wait, what?” Liam is confused, “You said your next class isn’t for another five hours,”

“Yeah, I know, there is just something I have to do, okay?”

Liam feels sad, but says, “Yeah okay,” And kisses Zayn goodbye anyway.

So Liam is left alone until Harry runs in forty minutes later with tears in his eyes, again. This happens at least once every other day. And it has been happening since the night of tears and double cheese pizza all those weeks ago. 

“Harry,” Liam sighs.

“Okay this is it,” Harry almost yells, “That was the last time, ever!”

Liam sighs again, because Harry says that almost every night. It’s terrible for Liam to watch and he’s put up with it far too long. He says, “I’m going to talk with Louis about this,”

“No!” Harry yells, “Don’t you dare!”

Liam shakes his head and runs out of his dorm room before Harry can say anything else. Liam is pleased when Harry doesn’t chase him either.

So Liam heads across campus alone, wrapped up in his coat and his scarf and hats and mittens, because it’s really fucking cold out here. The Green Space is frosted over and there is such a chill in the air Liam thinks every hair on his body is standing on edge. It doesn’t take him long to get to The Condo, past all the dead trees and bushes. He knocks a few times on the door and when no one answers, he walks right in because he’s grown accustomed to that now. That’s what he normally does when he visits Zayn anyway. The door is generally unlocked because people know not to steal shit from Louis Tomlinson. That would be very, very stupid for many reasons.

The air inside is warm and Liam smiles, pulling off his hat and mitten and shoving them in his pockets quickly. He doesn’t see anyone right inside, so he heads towards the bedrooms. He looks in Zayn’s, it’s empty. Then in Louis’. It’s empty too. He’s about to give up when he hears whispers coming from upstairs. 

Ever since the night of the party, Liam hasn’t been up there. He’s been a little afraid of it, honestly. It’s unoccupied, old, and creaky. But today, he heads into the kitchen and then up the old stairs and down the hall. The voices are coming from the room he met Zayn in. He smells smoke.

The voices are quiet but Liam can hear them. Louis says, “You have to tell him Zayn, you can’t not tell him,”

“I can do whatever I want,” Zayn says, “So I don’t need your advice,”

“It would be morally wrong to not tell him,”

Zayn laughs, “Don’t tell me what you think is morally wrong and morally right. You’re the douche bag who is leading on that Styles boy and breaking his heart,”

Liam inhales and pushes into the room. It’s the same as the last time Liam was in it. There is a single arm chair across the room but besides that, it’s empty. Zayn is laying sideways in the chair and Louis is standing beside him. They are both smoking.

“Liam? What are you doing here?” Zayn stands quickly and drops his cigarette, smashing it out with his shoe.

“I need to talk to Louis,” Liam says, trying to ignore the conversation he just overheard. 

Zayn makes a face and then nods, “I was just leaving anyway,”

Liam wants to demand to know where Zayn is going but he doesn’t want to be that kind of boyfriend. So he lets Zayn slip out of the room and away from him. He looks up towards Louis and grins. Because Louis actually looks guilty.

“You have to know what I’m here to talk to you about,” Liam says, “You need to stop being a dick,”

“I know,” Louis says, falling into the arm chair that’s now empty, “I really know I just can’t,”

Liam rolls his eyes, “Why not?”

“I’m Louis fucking Tomlinson. That’s why. Me dating a sophomore would be strange, much less a sophomore boy,”

“Are you seriously worried about your image?” Liam asks, “How about you worry about the important things in life. Hasn’t Zayn taught you anything? I thought you were his best friend? I mean, Zayn talks to me about really deep stuff and I have learned so much about life and I appreciate everything so much more. I see things differently. I figured you would too,”

“Zayn hasn’t always been like that, okay?” Louis points his finger at Liam and stands up. He walks over to Liam and pokes his chest, “Don’t tell me shit about my best friend,”

“I’m just saying. I can’t believe you two are friends anyway,”

Louis practically growls, “Shut the fuck up, Payne. Stop being a little prick okay? Just leave me alone! Leave me the fuck alone! You don’t know shit!”

Louis pushes past Liam and out the door.

Liam isn’t sure what to say or think, but he does feel like there is something going on that no one is telling him. And it may have to do with his boyfriend.

 

~*~

 

Over the next few days Harry’s crying stops. Liam doesn’t ask about it though. He’s afraid the water works will start again. If Harry’s getting himself under control and smiling more, than he won’t barge in unless Harry asks him to. Liam and Zayn are supposed to head into town again and Liam’s excited. He loved the movie picnic last time and even though it’s cold and the movie is going to be inside he’s still so excited. For the bus ride there. For the holding hands. For the kissing. Liam just is excited for Zayn being Zayn.

It’s an hour before Zayn is supposed to pick Liam up when there is a knock on Liam’s dorm door. Liam stops studying some random shit about physics and opens his door. It’s Zayn.

“You’re early,” Liam smiles, “But you can come in, I’m just finishing up what I’m studying,”

“I can’t go, Liam,”

“What?”

“I can’t go. I’m sorry,” Zayn looks at his feet. 

“But…we have had this planned for weeks,”

“I know, I know and I’m sorry,” Zayn coughs, and his coughing fit doesn’t stop for a minute or two. Finally he says, “I’m very sorry,”

Liam swallows and even though he feels like he is going to cry he keeps himself composed and says, “That’s okay. Maybe on Friday?”

“I can’t then either,” Zayn seems a little shaky. He looks skinnier.

“Are you okay?” Liam asks, “Why can’t you?”

“I have something,”

“Okay?” Liam says it like a question.

“I have to run, I’m sorry,”

And even though Zayn apologized almost six times, Liam still feels like he isn’t very sorry about any of this. He just feels like Zayn’s pulling away from him a little and it’s scary. Because Liam was getting to the point where instead of saying “I like you,” he was going to say “I love you,” and it’s weird to see that Zayn’s totally not there yet. 

So Liam retires to his bed, cries a little, and watches Netflix until he falls asleep.

Fictional people are the best people. That’s what Liam thinks. They never let you down. And even when they do, there’s normally an episode only a little later that redeems them and returns them to the hero they once were. Liam wishes that everyone was a fictional hero. 

There would be a lot less tears in the world and a lot more joy.

 

~*~

 

Liam and Zayn don’t hang out for almost a week and when they do, Zayn insists that they hang out in Zayn’s bed and watch movies. Don’t get Liam wrong, that sounds great, but it’s very unlike the crazy explorative person he normally is. So Liam heads over to The Condo and right into Zayn’s room. His boyfriend is cuddled up in the blankets and he looks rather weak. Liam immediately becomes worried.

“Are you okay?” Liam asks.

“I’m sick,” Zayn says.

“Oh, I’m sorry babe. The flu?”

“I think, yeah,”

So Liam makes Zayn soup and they have a Harry Potter marathon for the rest of the day. It’s nice, and Liam loves the cuddling, however, there is a part of Liam that thinks Zayn is getting even skinnier. But he convinces himself it’s the flu and the weather. 

Zayn starts coughing a little way through the fifth movie, and he can’t stop. His face looks pained and Liam’s not sure what to do, so he runs and grabs some water from the kitchen. When he gets back Zayn is reaching for a tissue on his bed side table and wiping his bloody hand along the white material.

“Wha—Zayn?” Liam runs towards him.

“It’s okay,” Zayn says, “I went to the doctor, he says this string of the flu comes with some bloody coughing,”

Liam doesn’t believe it, “Are you serious? What the heck? Why the hell? Zayn, are you okay? Really?”

Zayn just shakes his head, “I’m fine, Liam,”

“Why do I not believe you?” Liam says angrily.

“Maybe because you aren’t trusting me for some reason?” Zayn eyes Liam in frustration, “You know what, Liam, just leave,”

Liam freezes, “Wait, Zayn, I’m just worried about you,”

“Just get out,” Zayn looks like he’s going to cry, “Get out!”

So Liam does. 

That night instead of Harry running home crying, it’s Liam. And he’s not even sure why. He doesn’t know what’s happening.

 

~*~

 

The next day Liam wakes up to yet more knocking at the door. It seems like all door knocking brings these days is shitty news, so he thinks about not answering. But he gets up anyway and pulls the door open. It’s Zayn. There are bags around his eyes and a look of sickness written all over his body. 

“Fuck, Zayn, are you okay?” Liam asks.

“Don’t talk, just listen to me,” Zayn says quietly. He pushes into the dorm room, “I have a lot to say to you and it’s all just freaking me out and I’m overwhelmed,”

“Yeah…” Liam nods, “Okay,”

They settle down on Liam’s bed, shoulder to shoulder, and Zayn grabs Liam’s hand, “Liam, I am in love with you,” Liam’s heart is pounding and he is looking at his frail little boyfriend and he wants to cry. “I am in love with you and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about the way you smile and the way you talk. Or the way you laugh at my sarcastic jokes and make me feel so alive,” Zayn is gasping for breath because his voice is growing in volume and he is talking so fast, “And it’s so ironic because I’m dying, Liam,”

“I…what?” Liam isn’t sure he heard correctly.

“I have cancer, and the chemo is just sucking the life out of me and they are thinking about taking me off of it because it’s not fucking working and I’m dying,” Zayn is starting to cry.

And for a second, Liam is thinking selfishly and he feels bad for himself. And then he wants to hit himself because Zayn is dying. He’s fucking dying.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Liam whispers, trying to hold himself together. 

Zayn shrugs, “I didn’t know what to say. How do you tell people you are dying?”

“Right after proclaiming your love is kind of a shitty time, babe,” Liam almost laughs but then doesn’t.

“Point taken,” Zayn mumbles, “But it’s true,”

“Is that why you have been bailing on me a lot recently?”

“I have had to go into town to the hospital for treatment, yeah,” Zayn shrugs, “They want me to drop out of school I just can’t. I can’t do that. I have to finish school. I have to finish it. I have to make something out of myself before I’m gone,”

“Fuck Zayn, you can fight this right? You can win. You can live, I know you. You love life. You are so alive,” Liam is already praying.

Zayn shakes his head, “I’m only alive when I’m with you, Liam. You were the only one who made me feel like there was something more to be experienced. Something more to be in this damn world. And I talked up all my shit to inspire you and make you live more, and help me live more, and help us do something before I’m gone,”

Liam doesn’t really know what to say, so he says, “Maybe it’s not the people in this world who are so bad. Maybe it’s just the world itself,”

“Maybe, Liam,” Zayn curls himself into his boyfriend, “But I’d like to think more of the universe. I’d like to think that it’s not all shit,”

 

~*~

 

To make life even worse, the Office of Housing contacts Liam and tells him that he will be getting a new roommate next semester. Liam wants to fight it but his mind isn’t on that right now. It’s on Zayn. And taking care of him. And making sure that everything is going okay.

The thing about this cancer, or at least from what Zayn told Liam, is that it’s quick spreading. He was diagnosed only a few weeks before Liam met Zayn, and when Zayn told his girlfriend, his girlfriend promptly broke up with him. What shit. He also told Liam that he could die any day, because the complications of the cancer were all too severe.

Liam never asks what the name of the cancer is. He tries to avoid reality by simply calling Zayn ‘sick’, which is the truth but also far from it. 

“Liam?” Zayn is curled up in his bed watching cartoons and Liam runs over to him.

“Yeah babe?”

“Can we go into town, please? They are showing a movie in the town’s recreation center and I want to go. Please?”

Liam is heartbroken, “Zayn, you are barely allowed to leave your room for class much less to go onto a busy city bus and head into a packed hot room. There’s no way your doctors would want you to do that,”

Zayn groans, “I need to die my way, Liam.”

Liam thinks that it’s a fair point.

And so, since Zayn can still walk and bundles up real nice, Liam breaks the rules and takes Zayn to the bus stop later that night. It’s not the same. The timing isn’t perfect. They have to wait a while before the bus shows up. And when they are on the bus neither of them have stories to tell about the people riding. They just sit in the back and hold hands. Liam thinks about the time they did this all that time ago and he’s pretty sure that Zayn’s thinking about it too.

When they get into town it’s a bit different mainly because it’s inside. There are just a bunch of people packed into this small space and Zayn feels uncomfortable but says nothing. He was the one who asked to come here.

So they watch some random movie that’s projected onto the wall of the building and Zayn holds Liam’s hand tight. About halfway through the movie though, Zayn begins to cough. It’s one of his building coughs that goes on for a solid five minutes sometimes and Liam feels even more uncomfortable because people start staring.

“Do you need to leave?” Liam whispers.

Zayn shakes his head but keeps coughing.

“C’mon, let’s just go to the bathroom,” Liam’s eyes widen. He sees the blood on Zayn’s hand.

Suddenly the man sitting behind Liam kicks him in the back, “Hey, idiots, shut up! Control yourselves. We are trying to watch a movie. Stop coughing,”

“He can’t help it,” Liam sticks up for his boyfriend.

“Make him leave,” The man is angry.

Another woman from the other side of Liam starts talking too and complaining and Liam can’t take it because Zayn is still coughing up blood.

“He has fucking cancer you twats!” Liam yells. Now all eyes are on them. “Let’s go Zayn,”

It’s better to walk out with dignity than be escorted out.

When they finally hit the freezing night air Liam shakes his head, “I’m just so sorry you’re dying. I’m just so sorry things aren’t the same anymore and I’m so sorry that I can’t do anything about it. I’m supposed to protect you! I’m supposed to look out for you and all I seem to do is cause you more trouble,”

Zayn smiles sadly and takes Liam’s hand, “It’s okay,” He sighs, “I’m sorry too. For the same reasons you are,”

So they walk, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder. It’s a nice night, other than the cold, and Zayn still can’t stop the coughing. But Liam doesn’t mind. He just savors the fact that Zayn is here and so alive.

“This isn’t as good as the first time we came,” Liam says, “But it’s still lovely,”

They walk along lighted paths and through a dead and barren park that somehow retains its beauty in the frozen lake. Liam can’t stop thinking about how park wouldn’t look so nice if Zayn weren’t here with him. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” Liam says.

“You are going to do what you did the years before you met me,” Zayn replies simply, “Just live Liam. Treasure being alive,”

Liam takes that to heart. 

Once Zayn is tucked into bed that night Liam walks across campus and to his dorm. Harry is there waiting for him, as if he knew that Liam was going to come home emotionally unstable and ready to cry.

“I just don’t want to lose him!” Liam sobs, “I can’t lose him,”

Harry says nothing. He can’t. Because Liam is so right. The world is a terrible place sometimes. And maybe losing Zayn will be the worst thing that Liam ever goes through in life. 

 

~*~

 

It’s early the next morning and Liam is sitting at his desk and sketching something stupid on his physics homework. It’s a drawing of Zayn, back before the cancer started eating away at his body. Back when Zayn being skinny was a good thing, something that added to Zayn’s whole persona. But now, his skinny is that sickly skinny, the skinny that looks disturbing and wrong. Liam hates that he has to watch Zayn get worse and worse. 

Liam’s phone rings in his pocket and before Liam even thinks about it his phone is up against his ear, “Hello?” Phone calls aren’t good things when your boyfriend has cancer. 

“God, Liam, thank God you answered. It’s Zayn,” Louis’ voice is barely audible and cracked, “There’s something wrong and you have to help me take him to the hospital,”

Liam feels his heart drop into his stomach and he thinks he is going to be sick. He doesn’t even put on his coat and hat and scarf or anything, he just runs right out the door and all the way across campus until he is at The Condo. He can’t breathe right and he barges in to a horrid scene.

Zayn is collapsed on the floor and Louis is yelling into the phone, talking to the emergency dialer. Louis starts to do CPR but Zayn’s lifeless body is just laying there and not responding.

“Fucking help me, Liam!” Louis screams, “Fucking help me!”

 

~*~

 

They miraculously stabilize Zayn at the hospital. Louis, Harry, and Liam all sit in the waiting room for news. A word on how long Zayn has to live. But all the doctors are giving them is silence, which might be worse than just telling it flat out. But they sit silently. Harry and Louis hold hands and Liam just folds his hands in his lap. He watches time tick by on the clock and wonders how life started moving so fast. He feels like it was just two days ago that he met Zayn at the party and fought Harry over calling him on the phone. Couldn’t this all be a bad dream? Liam, for a moment, wills himself to wake up from this nightmare. He wills himself to wake up. He even pinches himself. But this is a nightmare that has made its way into real life. And Liam can’t stop it even if he wants to. That’s the hard part about the universe and how it works with people. It saves people who are bad and kills people that are good, and Liam can’t stand how unfair that is. He looks up to Harry and Harry tries to give him a reassuring smile, but it doesn’t work because he’s kind of crying too. This is going to be hard on all of them. The Condo was a great meeting place for double dates. 

“Hello?” A woman walks into the waiting room, “I am Mrs. Malik, where’s my baby? Where’s my baby?” She’s crying frantically and yelling, and the nurses urge her to quiet herself and calm down.

“He’s in the room down the hall,” A doctor comes out from the hallway in perfect time, “He’s stable at the moment. However, he’s been all over the place with his vitals. When he came in he was practically blue. His body isn’t responding to anything. We are going to try to put him through some radiation. However, at this point, it’s almost pointless.”

His mother grows teary, and Liam admires how she looks like Zayn. Her tan skin. Her golden eyes. Zayn looks a lot like his mother. When Mrs. Malik goes to find a seat Liam stands and approaches her, “Hello, Mrs. Malik, I’m Liam,”

And before Liam can say anything else he is embraced in a bear hug, “Thank you,” She cries, “Thank you for helping my dying son live a little more. Thank you for helping my dying son feel so alive.”

Liam is speechless.

 

~*~

 

Zayn is due to start radiation the next day and in order to do so, his hair must be shaved. Liam is so saddened by the idea, but he volunteers to do it. Any extra time with Zayn he swears he will savor. So he heads into the hospital bathroom with Zayn, who is in a wheelchair and wearing one of those things around his nose to help him breathe. 

“Hi,” Zayn says meekly. 

“Hi babe,” Liam smiles, “You’re looking beautiful,”

Zayn laughs, “Why thank you! Now cut off my hair I bet I look even better,”

Liam takes a deep breath and trims away at Zayn’s hair. He watches Zayn’s eyes in the mirror. His eyes are closed and he looks thoughtful.

“What are you thinking of?”

“The first night we met,” Zayn says immediately.

“Oh,” Liam says, “Up in that old room?”

“Yeah,”

“Why did you like that place anyway?”

Zayn shrugs, “I didn’t really like it. The place just…made me think more. Think deeper about myself as a person, as a dying person, as a person who is in love,”

“Why?”

“That was the room I was in when my doctor called me about told me about this,” Zayn says.

“Oh,”

“It’s also the room where I pledged to live like I wasn’t dying,”

“I think you did a good job. I mean, you got a boyfriend, passed all of your semester classes early so you could continue your treatment,”

Zayn shrugs.

“You made an impact on me, Zayn,” Liam sighs, “Even though you were dying,”

“Really?”

“Yes, and just imagine how head over heels I would have been you were just as alive as me,”

When Liam is done he smiles. Bald Zayn isn’t bad looking, and Zayn laughs at himself in the mirror, “If this treatment doesn’t work, and they made me, a dying man, cut off my beautiful hair for nothing, I’m going to kill them,”

“I’ll help you babe,” Liam assures, “I’ll help you,”

 

~*~

The radiation doesn’t work either, and one night, at four in the morning, Liam receives a call. Zayn’s dying, and he’s dying now. His breath is short, and he can barely talk. Part of Liam wants to stay here, and leave his good memories, not the dying ones. But he gets up anyway, gets dressed, and heads down to the hospital. When he gets there, Zayn is almost gasping to breath and his heart is only doing half the work it’s supposed to.

“Oh,” Liam feels the tears, and they are coming on strong, “Oh Zayn,”

Mrs. Malik is there holding his hand, so Liam takes the other one. Zayn looks at Liam and tries to smile. Liam can’t help but to laugh, “Even now?” Liam’s hysterically crying, “Even now you try to captivate me with your smile?”

Zayn shrugs and manages to say, “Always, Payne,”

And Liam can’t help but to steal one more kiss.

“I love you, Zayn Malik,” Liam says.

“I love you too,” Zayn coughs.

“Promise me that it’ll be good. Promise me you’ll be good and I’ll be good,”

“I promise,”

Zayn’s eyes are closing and Liam knows this is it and he kisses Zayn’s head and lets their hands slip apart. It’s his mother’s turn to say her goodbye.

Because Liam had his moment of glory with Zayn.

Liam had his moment of discovery with his best friend, his boyfriend. 

He had his hours of inspiration.

And now it was someone else’s turn. Liam agrees to share a little bit, at least he’ll try. And he prays that the Gods take good care of the beautiful tattooed boy who stole his heart so quickly.

“You’ll be okay, Zayn,” Liam sobs as he walks out of the hospital, “You’ll be okay,”

 

~*~

Days later, months later, people ask Liam what is was like to be loved by Zayn Malik.

“You learn a lot,” Liam says, “Like how to see the life in someone else’s point of view. Or how to knock before you enter a room. Or how to see things in life a different way. He inspired me, and I’m thankful for that.”

So Liam and Harry finish school and Louis makes sure to visit. One night a blonde bloke named Niall pops in to pass out some beer. It’s refreshing. It reminds Liam of Zayn. 

Liam goes into Zayn’s old room, the one upstairs, in The Condo. He pushes open the window and pushes the arm chair over to it. 

He sits and looks at the stars, and he envisions two horizons meeting in the middle. 

Liam swears he hears Zayn’s heartbeat from where he sits.

A shooting star crosses the sky and Liam starts crying.

He misses Zayn. Everything leads back to Zayn eventually.

But Liam just thinks that Zayn lives in the clouds. He lives with the lights and the endless vastness and he’s probably up there being a cocky little shit and laughing at Liam for being too philosophic. So Liam laughs.

“God, I love you Zayn,” Liam says, “No one knows how I love you,”


End file.
